Relationship & Singleness,  Spirituality & Purpose

Redefining DESPERATE (Part 1)

Have you ever wondered why single women are often tagged “desperate” while the single men are almost always let off the hook? This really boggles my mind! Is this true or it is just a stereotype? (I would love to know your opinion). I believe just like pain, desperation does not know or have a gender. However, viewing it from society’s lens, it seems like it wears a slim fit dress, high heel shoes, and lipstick. Whether male or female, it takes only God’s grace to live in this broken and wounded world without letting its spiky edges pierce your heart or drive you into a state of despair.

I once had a friend who was in a relationship for over 6years and each time I asked her how her relationship was faring, she would always quote Isaiah 4:1 “In that day seven women will take hold of one man and say, “We will eat our own food and provide our own clothes; only let us be called by your name Take away our disgrace!” and quickly brushes it off. This was really disturbing to me because, it’s so disheartening how we quote the scriptures out of context to pamper our unbelief or weaknesses or even sometimes use it without fully grasping the truth in it. Yes, I know it may be true that the eligible brothers are rare but that is no excuse for anyone to be desperate, compromise, stay in an abusive relationship or settle for less than what God has ordained for them. The Bible assures us in Isaiah 34:16 “Non-will lack her mate” and in Jeremiah 29:11, He tells us His plans for us are of good and not evil to give us an expected end. The Bible is filled with a host of other promises tailored to our settlement and peace for us to enjoy an abundant life, not just in heaven but here on earth. Why then is it so easy to give into desperation and anxiety than to rest on the promises of God?

I am not trying to go on a justification trip but maybe single women are always labelled desperate because they particularly face the most pressures when it comes to getting married; and I totally get it! The biological clock, pressure from family and friends, the “always the bridesmaid and never the bride” syndrome, you name it! If not for grace, we all know the train wrecked decisions we would be making. In my early twenties, I was desperate not exactly to get married but to be in a relationship. I had a lot of toxic insecurities and a very low self-esteem. My self worth was dependent on my relationship status per time, so my goal was to get into another relationship once one was over. No wonder for the most part, I always ended up dating the same type of guys with similar tendencies. I did so many things I am not proud of just because I was desperate to feel loved and gain validation in my relationships. At that time, my relationships were only a reflection of the hopeless and broken state of my soul. I went from brokenness to brokenness but thank God no one can ever get broken beyond God’s repair! Grace found me just at the perfect time. So, if you talk about being desperate, I have been there and back a couple of times.

In the Christian community, singing and expressing desperation for God is very normal but when it comes to dating and relationships it is considered a “taboo” especially when the guilty individual is female. No single lady wants to be tagged desperate, so everyone is constantly careful not to send the slightest clue of mixed signals that would make any “brother” or anyone at all misunderstand their actions or intentions. God created a man to hunt, chase or find a woman so he easily knows when a woman is trying to take on his role.

I sometimes imagine that men have a natural “desperate sensor device” that detects when a desperate molecule of oestrogen is in their radar. Over the years many “brothers” have taken advantage and used this device for their selfish reasons. However, their device sometimes malfunctions and causes great conflicts and misunderstandings that should have been avoided. In my opinion, it is mostly the desperate brothers that have the malfunctioning ‘desperate sensor devices’!! (just kidding). You know, its more painful to be innocently accused of being desperate than to be caught in the act! LOL (speaking out of experience).

What then is desperation? Should a saved single lady be desperate? As Christians are we to seek God from a heart posture of desperation? How should desperation apply to us as Christians? Is it Christ-like to be desperate? What if desperation is not as bad as we make it seem? What if it is just a survival mechanism God created in us to help us undauntedly reach for what we desire or escape from life threatening situations. Maybe whether desperation is bad or good depends on how we project it and to whom we project it to and the context in which it is used. If someone is in a burning storey building, it is a desperate situation, but that person would need some amount of desperation within him or her to jump out of the window. The fact you are in a desperate situation does not mean you are desperate except you let the desperation around you get into you.

In part 2, I would attempt to answer these questions and delve deeper into what desperation means and how it applies to us as Christians. Until then, Thank you for reading. I love you! Stay firm in the Father’s Love!

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