Have you ever been in a “relationship” where you were not exactly sure whether you were loved?? Have you ever unconsciously found yourself suspecting every man that comes around you is your ‘Boaz’?? My answer to this is YES!! However, regardless of your answers to these questions, I am writing this post series from my heart to yours. This is to encourage and remind you that even in the midst of the wait, we can rest securely and absolutely in the Father’s Love.
A few years ago, I was in this “friendship” with a guy (we’ll call him Nick). Nick was a “good person” and a “good friend”. He was God fearing, caring, intelligent, hardworking, creative, outgoing and wonderfully made! We shared a lot of common interests so apparently; our conversations were usually fascinating. When we were not physically together, we would literally talk for hours over the phone. This went on for several months. As expected, we slowly became fond of each other and the connection between us grew strong such that “family and friends” began to give us “the look”. I even got a few unsolicited advices. We both knew the atmosphere of our friendship had been taken over by a thick smoke of affection but some how, we unconsciously made the precarious choice to live in denial.
At that time in my life, I was so insecure, needy, and oblivious of my worth. I desperately needed to be in a relationship. Once any guy gave me the slightest clue that he liked me, or he was interested in me my brain automatically pushed on the play switch of the “He loves me, He loves me not” game. In my mind he was either a potential boyfriend or my “Boaz”; those were my only options! In the case of Nick, I had already figured he was my “Boaz” from the first month of our friendship. Our friendship blossomed for about 4 months and gradually my insecurities began to rise to the surface and I got jittery. Several crazy thoughts started to plague my mind; “what if I am just one of the girls he brought home as a sample to seek for his family’s opinion?” (He once invited me to see his family), “What if I am stock in his friend zone?” “What if he loves me but doesn’t know how to say it? “What if I am over thinking it?”
While I was drowning myself in thoughts of “what if” and I was fully preoccupied in “Lala land” picking out our wedding colours, (I can Imagine how high your eyebrows just rose in surprise!) Nick was having a really good time and being his fun self as usual. Finally, I thought to myself, “Nick is too slow he must need my help”. My mind told me I needed to do something fast before the fire I had ignited in my bosom consumes me. So, I literally decided to take laws into my own hands and make it happen at all cost. I went on Google and searched “how to make a man fall in love with you” (yes, you read well, I did that!) I studied for a while, rehearsed my lines, drew up a plan and fearlessly plunged in! (Please, feel free to laugh!)
After long weeks of putting up my act and trying all the tactics I learnt, just like you guessed, I gave up and my mission failed! So, I decided to be direct. One day, while we were in the middle of our usual conversations, I popped the question! (Don’t freak out, it isn’t what you are thinking!) I told him he was a nice guy and I admired him (which was true) then I asked him where our friendship was headed. Nick was in absolute shock! I could clearly see it in his eyes. He told me he was sorry if he gave any wrong signals and he said he saw me as a sister and nothing else. Obviously, this was a blow to my heart, I was badly disappointed and somewhat hurt. Few weeks later, I got to find out that Nick had a girl friend and that helped me to quickly snap back to reality from my world of fantasy. Yes, I cried for a few days then I got up, washed my face, ignored the lessons and headed for a new level in my “He loves me He loves me not” game.
In the next part of this post, I would be pointing out some lessons I learnt from this chapter of my life. I would show you an important reason why you may be hidden from your “Boaz” and how you can live a stress and anxiety free single life without sweat and pressures! Until then, Thank you for reading. I love you! Stay firm in the Father’s Love!